Inconvenient. I've been battling Poison Brain the last week or so. Everything that happens is exaggerated into operatic proportions, and the hardest work is convincing myself that, despite flaws, I'm still basically a good person, worthy of love. Thank gaw for the yoga classes -- when I'm teaching, I'm happy, completely outside of the dank, disquiet brain. However: I'm counting the weeks until I leave Toastmasters. It has become a focus of negativity, and I've always disliked its bureaucracy. As of June 20-ish, I'm gone.
 
Posted by Hane2SO4 at 5:47 PM | Link
 

Six days on...The family member embarks on a Jane-free future. My future is (Name)-less. All my doing, through blind denial and ego. I know I wouldn't take me back. I'm living with this reality. Yes, it sucks. Yes, lesson learned.

Labels: Weww

 
Posted by Hane2SO4 at 11:18 AM | Link
 

Heartbreak. Caused by ego. A couple of glimmers exist. One: knowing that self-hatred, an offshoot of ego, is the root of the heartbreak, and accepting that the only way to heal is to shut off that hatred, no matter how insistent it is. Two: I am still sober.
 
Posted by Hane2SO4 at 9:33 AM | Link
 

Someone I love has just cut me out, completely, with blunt words: "You don't care about anyone but yourself, and I'm done." I know it's not true, that I do care about this person, utterly in fact. The reality is that I have allowed myself to develop inconsiderate behaviour about returning phone calls and other messages. I think no one will care, it's just me. I allowed myself to get away with thinking that. Turns out, surprise, it's not true. And now I know that the worst time to find out that someone cared is when he/she doesn't any longer. It is a heartbreak born of carelessness. It is mine to live with.
 
I'm always surprised when something I write causes a reaction. I'm surprised that not hearing from me would matter to people other than creditors. I matter to other people. And the person who has cut me out will always matter to me. I love you. I'm sorry. Thank you for the life lesson.
 
Posted by Hane2SO4 at 10:38 AM | Link